The Family's Ministry of Reconciliation
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In 1994, The Family commenced a concerted effort to both reconcile with former members, as well as to foster closer fellowship and integration between the two categories of membership formerly known as DO members and TS members (1). The initiative for this came from both former and current members and readily received the backing of Family leadership. Among the former members, Bithia Sherman has been particularly active in opening channels of communication between current and former members. An important step in commencing the reconciliation process was the publishing of our "Open Letter to Former Family Members" in the No Longer Children (2) newsletter, in an attempt to reconcile differences with former members who held grievances against The Family, whether from their time in The Family, or their lack of communication with Family members after their departure. We feel this effort was successful, in that contact was initiated with a large number of former members. We also offered to assist relatives in locating Family members who they had lost contact with. We received many such inquiries and through this process many are once more back in contact with their loved ones.

The Ministry of Reconciliation continues to be an important aspect of the work of the Family. It has brought a number of former members, relatives and TRF Supporters into closer and more favorable contact with Family members and their relatives. To briefly enumerate the efforts made by The Family in this regard,

Report from Peter Amsterdam

Following are excerpts from a report written by Peter Amsterdam in September 1995 and sent to all Family members, regarding the continuing progress of this ministry (4):

WS [World Services, the Family's governing body] is wholeheartedly committed to maintaining and advancing the programs of reconciliation and openness that have been in effect for the last few years. I now present a summary of the progress which has been made to this effect in the past year.

Contact with Relatives Outside The Family

Generally speaking, Family members are having significantly more regular contact with their relatives than in times past. We expect this trend to continue and are confident that it will benefit all concerned.

In our March 1994 'Open Letter to Former Family Members,' published by No Longer Children, a group that has long campaigned against us, we offered to help relatives locate Family members who had lost contact with them. We have received a number of inquiries, and done our best to expedite renewed contact. We intend to continue this program.

Family leadership feels that the nature and degree of contact each member has with their relatives is a personal matter which is best left up to each individual to decide. There is certainly no stigma attached to having amicable relations and regular contact with relatives. On the contrary, we consider it to be desirable. However, we also realize that, as in society at large, there may be legitimate reasons why some individuals choose to have little or no contact with their relatives.

Because we wish for Family members to establish relationships with their parents and relatives as they personally desire, we deliberately avoided laying out any specific guidelines on this issue when formulating the Charter, except for a brief point stipulating that parents of children under the age of 16 years are responsible to determine the amount of contact that their children should have with relatives. We felt it important to make it clear that this was a decision to be made by the parents themselves, not by their leaders or Home teamworks.

Relations with Former Members:

We continue to actively reach out to former Family members, inviting them to renew contact, and if necessary, apologize for any past wrongs and reconcile as much as possible. WS leadership considers this "ministry of reconciliation" to be a priority. We have seen that everyone involved benefits, and we are convinced that reconciliation is far more preferable than confrontation.

In March 1994, No Longer Children published an 'Open Letter from the Family' in which, among other things, we apologized to former members for our negligence in failing to maintain contact with them, and declared our commitment to the reconciliation process. This letter continues to accurately reflect Family policy. 

Family members continue to have regular contact with former members in many countries, particularly in the US, the UK, and Australia. In the past year, our members have personally met or corresponded with several hundred former members. We are also in regular contact with ex-member support groups.

Our willingness to engage in reconciliation includes contact with former members who have been publicly hostile. In the US, Father David's son Hosea visited his sister, Deborah and his niece, Mene. Faithy, Father David's daughter, also visited Deborah in August this year and went on a camping vacation with her and Deborah's husband Bill. They stayed at a campground where Mene works as a youth counselor. From what I have heard, this went well and was quite significant as the two sisters had been personally estranged for many years...

Also in August this year, several Family members, including a CRO [Continental Officer], visited a center in Massachusetts that several young adult ex-members have set up for themselves and other ex-members. The visiting Family members were able to have several in-depth conversations with him and the others. Although there remained differences of opinion on issues which the ex-members voiced in no uncertain terms, the dialogue was friendly and reconciliatory, with all agreeing to maintain regular contact. Meetings were also held with the parents of several of these young ex-members who live in the vicinity. These Family members were able to convey our apologies to all these ex-members for any inappropriate treatment they may have received when in the Family, and also sought their recommendations and views as to how to continue to reconcile with them and others.

We do not imply in the above-mentioned cases that all differences have been resolved-far from it-but they illustrate our ongoing commitment to the reconciliation ministry. (Update 7/97) This trend continues today, with Family members increasingly engaging in positive contact with former members around the world.)

TRF Supporters: [Fellow Members]

Over the past year a great deal of progress has been made in our relations with TRF Supporters (TSers), and the headway made has been very gratifying. As a matter of policy, WS will continue to forge close relations with TSers in order that we can all work together at our principal task of evangelism. We consider TRF Supporters to be Family members, something we are encouraging the DO [full-time members] Family to remember.

In April of 1994 WS removed all restrictions on interaction between DO and TS members. I subsequently wrote an 'Open Letter to the TSers', which addressed a number of issues, including an apology for some actions of the past. Again, as this letter illustrates changes in our thinking as well as current policy and direction, I would like to quote a few pertinent paragraphs:

The Lord has shown us that we need to 'shorten the cord' between the various concentric circles of the Family. He looks upon the heart and not upon the outward appearance of Family classification (l Sam.16:7). He loves all the Family, regardless of whether they are DO or TRF Supporters.

Having become more aware of your needs, we want to try to better meet them by making some immediate changes which we hope will express our gratefulness and give due recognition to you who are such a vital and important part of the Lord's Family.

Before we explain these changes, we'd like to make some apologies. We know that in some cases some of you have not been treated as lovingly as you should have been, either at the time of your move to TRF Supporter status or since then. We have received reports that some of you have been deeply hurt by a lack of love on the part of your DO brethren. Hearing of such behavior saddens and hurts us. Struggling through the hardships many of you have experienced has been difficult enough without the added burden of feeling unloved or unwanted by the rest of the Family.

We acknowledge that some of this behavior was probably a result of the DO brethren trying to implement the policies that were put in place at the start of the TRF Supporter program. At that time it was necessary for there to be a more definite line of distinction between the DO and TRF Supporter Members, but we did not intend for the TRF Supporter Members to be treated in an unloving manner.

For any of you who were treated in such a way, we apologize and sincerely ask you to forgive us. We're very sorry we did not foresee all the difficulties that you were to encounter when we started the program, and that the policies associated with it were often implemented without sufficient love, consideration, understanding and mercy. We have been slow in addressing these matters, and we apologize for that.

From now on there are no longer any general restrictions on contact between DO and TRF Supporter Family Members. It will now be up to you and any DO Family Members you come in contact with to decide how much you want to meet and fellowship or possibly work together. Circumstances and conditions vary so greatly from one situation to another that the only stipulation we will make is that whatever you decide upon must have the full agreement and consent of everyone immediately concerned. No permission is needed from Area Shepherds. Likewise, there is no obligation on the part of anyone to do anything that they don't really want to.

Many TSers have also requested that their older children and teenagers be allowed to rejoin the DO Family, or at least have regular fellowship with them. Most of these young people have very good memories of their time in the Family and feel that it is the best place for them to serve the Lord. The programs that we set up to accommodate these teens are still functioning, and from all indications those involved seem satisfied with them. 

We are also receiving many requests from TSers wanting to rejoin the DO Family. We feel that in many cases this will be beneficial. A number of TSers are living an exemplary life-style and are doing a wonderful job of actively witnessing their faith. (Update 7/97: Many TSers, both adults and teenagers, have continued to rejoin as DO members. Exact figures of how many are not available, but during 1995 and 1996, our DO population increased by nearly 500, while our TS population decreased by a similar figure, indicating a definite trend from TS to DO.)

Teens Who Leave the Family:

we have accepted that it is inevitable that a number of young people who were born and raised in the Family will eventually decide to leave to pursue other interests. We also realize that we should do what we can to make the transition as smooth as possible, unconditionally extending them our love and support.

In September of 1994, WS published a Letter from Maria entitled "When Teens Leave the Family!" (ML #2942). 1 quote excerpts of it, as I feel it accurately reflects the change of attitude that we are promoting within the Family, as well as current and future Family policy.

Because of our emotional involvement, we may have a hard time relating to the fact that in most churches and denominations, very few missionaries' children remain forever with their parents on the mission field. At some time or another, most of them go back to their home country, and they often choose to pursue different careers entirely.

In the past, I believe we have in some ways resisted even admitting to ourselves that a choice exists that each of our teens has to make for themselves. We haven't even wanted to face the fact that some of them might want to do something other than serve the Lord in the Family and be missionaries. I think that some Family Members have probably done everything possible to avoid talking about really giving them a choice.

We've done our best to try to hang on to them, even to the point of trying to persuade some of them to stay with us long after it was obvious that their heart was not in the Family and that everyone would be better off if they were elsewhere.

After knowing everything we have taught and having had our warnings, if they still decide they want to go, then we should say, 'Okay, praise the Lord! You go out there and do the best you can, and we'll pray for you and we'll help you as much as we can. We'll do what we can to help you get off, and we'll try to make some arrangements for you. And we want you to know that we still love you, no matter what. We hope you'll be successful.' One thing I'm sure of, they will be a much better testimony to the good fruits of the Family if they do well than if they do not.

We need to show our kids the Lord's unfailing Love.-No matter what they do or what they decide or how far they go astray, we'll never stop loving them.... How can we withhold our love and prayers-even from the defiant and the rebellious-when now is the time when they most need to know that we love them.

In April 1995, another Letter by Maria on this subject was published, entitled, "Braving the Winds of Change!-Helping our Teens to Face the Future", in which Maria put forth the idea of "halfway houses" for teens who wished to experience secular education or employment. She said:

In light of what the Lord has said about concentric circles of service, and how it doesn't have to be only black or white for such young people, if any of you parents or shepherds would have a burden and feel a definite call of God on your lives to set up a Home for some of our sincere young people who want to serve the Lord in the Family but also experiment with secular school or jobs, then please let your CROs know about it. If the Lord calls you to such a place of service, it could help some of our young people, ... to find out what they want to do with their lives without having to leave the Family, or be plagued by doubts or double-mindedness while remaining in a normal DO Home. We don't want anyone to feel obligated to open such a Home, but if the Lord lays it on your heart, we'd like to hear about it. If you start such a Home, we would be very interested in the lessons learned and progress made.

Even before this Letter was written, we had been exploring the possibility of setting up some sort of halfway houses. Aside from the above purpose expressed by Maria, these could also help young people who decide to leave the Family to successfully integrate into secular society. There is currently a pilot project of this type of home underway in the US, in Texas, run by a couple who were long-time missionaries in Latin America. When two of their teenage daughters decided to leave the Family, this couple resolved to return to the US and open a Family Home that would be devoted to helping their daughters, and other teens in the same situation, adapt to life outside the Family.

However our members decide to handle such individual situations, we are encouraging them to do whatever they can to help our departing young people, and most of all offer them unconditional love and support. The general opinion expressed by both the young people and their parents is that they have had no problems integrating into formal schooling, and most have done well scholastically. (Update 7/97: Since this time Family members in a number of countries have set up halfway houses to help teens wishing to leave the Family get started. These are usually initiated by parents whose own teen(s) wish to leave, and who provide a place where they and other similar-minded teens can live until they are ready and able to stand on their own feet in society at large.)

LETTER OF APOLOGY FROM MARIA

As part of the ongoing Reconciliation effort, in July 1996, Maria's teamworkers, Peter Amsterdam and Gary, attended a large three day TRF Supporter fellowship organized by a TRF Supporter Home in Maryland, USA, and attended by both DO, TS and former members. Following are some of the introductory comments made by Peter in a letter written to both the TS and DO Family, entitled 'Bridging the Gap', in which he reported on the results of this encounter:

'We were able to encourage them in their service for the Lord, as well as listen to their heartcries and become more aware of the difficulties they face. Therefore we are now better able to understand their situations and know more what WS can do to help them in their service for the Lord. One of the highlights of our visit was being able to read a Letter from Maria to those attending the fellowship, along with an additional note from her to a number of our former Family members who were also in attendance.

Mama and I hope that this Letter will help break down any walls of partition separating our DO and TRF Supporter members, be they spiritual, conceptual or whatever! We hope you will take to heart what Mama has said and will open your arms, your Homes, and your lives to one another; that this milestone Letter will usher in greater love, unity and cooperation between our DO and TRF Supporter Family members.' (5)

A significant aspect of this meeting was the note of apology from Maria mentioned above, to former members, as a first step in further 'bridging the gap'. The entire meeting was filmed, and these videos were circulated throughout the TS Family, and many former members were also able to view them. Following are excerpts from Maria's letter:

'I'm so sorry, my dear ones, for how you have suffered and for the difficult things you have experienced, both during the time you were in the Family and in recent years. I'm so sorry for how you have felt hurt and abandoned. It hurts me to think about how you hurt. It breaks my heart to see how your hearts have been broken Questions, doubts, feelings of bitterness and resentment have overwhelmed you. You have questioned the love of the Lord, and the love of Dad, and the Family.

I understand your feelings, and I don't condemn you. I don't think I can honestly say that I can completely fathom all that you have been through and experienced to bring you to the point where you are today. But I can honestly say that I'm so thankful you're there now with our Family and with Peter and Gary.

I'm not going to pretend that these three days that you have spent together with Peter and Gary and the brethren have healed all the hurts of the past, or completely renewed our fellowship and reconciled all our differences. But it is my prayer that it is at least a start, and that through this time of fellowship and communication and loving the Lord and each other, we will be on the road to greater unity and love and fruitfulness' I only hope that in the days to come you will find what you need, and that we will be able to continue walking this road together toward greater communication, greater understanding and forgiveness

I've said this before to our TRF Supporters, and I'd like to say it to you former members as well, and that is that I am sorry for the way the Family has failed some of you in the past. I'm so sorry for the unloving behavior that some of you experienced from some of our leaders and Family members. There are certainly many ways we could have done better. We could have been more tolerant, more accepting of other people's opinions. We could have practiced more teamworking in our earlier years. We could have listened to people's feelings with greater openness and been more human and willing to show ourselves weak. We could have been more ready to admit that we didn't have all the answers, that we were still learning. We could have been more gentle with some members who were weaker.

We could have done all these things, and we should have. I'm sorry-very sorry-for our past failures and mistakes and shortcomings, of which I know there are many that affected both you and our dear TRF Supporter members. Please accept my humble apology.

We, the Family, will be generous in our forgiveness towards you, and we ask that you do the same. (6)

Some Ministry of Reconciliation Stats

Following are some statistics which further demonstrate the efforts made by the Family in North America to further the Ministry of Reconciliation. These statistics, however, do not include the local efforts made by each individual Home around the world to reach out to the former members and TSers in their own area, or the many meetings that have been held around the world by Family leadership to further 'bridge the gap'.

Footnotes

1. The TS program provides a place of continuing Christian service for many members who are no longer able to, or no longer wish to, fulfill all the requirements for DO membership. In July of 1997 the names of DO and TS membership were changed to Charter Members and Fellow Members respectively.

2. "No Longer Children" was a group of former members that had actively campaigned against The Family

3. The Family adopted a governing charter in mid-February 1995. The Charter is basically comprised of two main components, the 'Charter of Responsibilities and Rights' and the 'Fundamental Family rules'. It outlines the most important and basic principles, goals and beliefs of our movement and codifies its method of government.

4. 'The Ministry of Reconciliation', A Report by Peter Amsterdam, September 1995, published in Good News # 653

5. 'Bridging the Gap' 3068:2,3. Written by Maria and Peter in August 1996

6. 'Bridging the Gap', paragraphs 102-104, 106, 107,113